Introduction

As I share with ALL my couples, emotional validation/empathy is probably the most crucial skill/aspect that helps foster trust, safety, connection, and empathy within a couple. However, most couples struggle validating their partner, most often providing “solutions” to whatever the partner is sharing/venting about (i.e. Partner A:”My boss ignored my email for an entire week again, I feel so stressed, this is happening all the time now!” Partner B: “Have you considered that maybe they might be very busy working on a deadline?”). As I share with my couples in therapy sessions, the vast majority of the time, your partner is seeking validation/empathy, not solutions (i.e. Partner B validating response: ”I am so sorry your boss’s behavior has been making you feel stressed all week honey, that sounds really hard, especially because it has happened many times already. Having a boss that ignores your emails must be really hard, I am sorry you have to go through that”).This is one possible response that often fosters connection and makes your partner want to share more with you, because this type of response makes them feel seen and deeply understood.

On the other hand, when one partner consistently invalidates the emotions of the other (very common), it can lead to significant distress and emotional disconnection. As a couples and trauma therapist, I understand the importance of addressing emotional invalidation to help couples feel more connected and safe.

Therefore, this blog aims to explore the complexities of emotional invalidation within a partnership and provide practical guidance on how to deal with an emotionally invalidating partner, as a couples therapist and as an individual.

Understanding Emotional Invalidation

The Impact of Emotional Invalidation

Emotional invalidation can have severe consequences on the emotional well-being of both partners. For the one experiencing invalidation, it can lead to feelings of self-doubt, isolation, and even psychological distress. Over time, this can erode the individual’s self-esteem and make them question the legitimacy of their emotions.

The invalidating partner may also suffer indirectly, as of course the emotional disconnect created by invalidation can lead to reduced intimacy, communication breakdowns, and escalating conflicts within the relationship. Therefore, invalidating creates a lose-lose situation for both partners.

How couples therapists can help

Couples therapists play a crucial role in helping couples navigate emotional invalidation.
Recognizing how emotional invalidation shows up in couples is the first step in addressing the issue. Couples therapists should look for signs such as:

• Dismissing or belittling the partner’s feelings.
• Failing to acknowledge or empathize with the partner’s emotional experiences.
• Blaming the partner for their emotions.
• Using sarcasm or contempt to invalidate the partner’s feelings.
• Shutting down communication when emotions are expressed.

Here are some tips to address this issue effectively:

Foster a Safe Environment:

Create a safe space where both partners feel comfortable expressing their emotions without fear of judgment or invalidation.

Promote Empathy vs agreement:

Encourage partners to understand each other’s emotions from a place of empathy, even if they don’t agree with them. Teach couples that validation does NOT mean you agree with your partner, it simply means you understand how they feel.

Validate Emotions:

Teach partners the importance of validating each other’s emotions, regardless of whether they share the same perspective. They can agree to disagree and still be able to validate each other’s emotions. I usually share with my couples this link on how they can learn how to validate their emotions.

Improve Communication Skills in session:

Help couples enhance their communication skills to express emotions effectively and actively listen to each other in session. This is the most important skill you can teach your couples!

Address Underlying Trauma:

In some cases, emotional invalidation may be linked to unresolved trauma. Addressing these past experiences can be beneficial in reducing invalidation within the relationship and creating a better understanding of each other’s past and a deeper connection.

Tips for Individuals Dealing with an Emotionally Invalidating Partner

For individuals dealing with an emotionally invalidating partner, coping with such behavior can be challenging. Here are some strategies that I hope might help you navigate this situation:

Self-Reflection:

Your emotional needs are so important and it is important to recognize when they are being invalidated. I hope that after reading this article you have a better idea of what invalidation looks/feels like. Think about the communications you typically have with your partner and notice how you usually feel after leaving a conversation with them: do you feel supported? Lighter? Happier? Or do you feel worse, upset, even more in despair? These types of questions might help you identify if your partner is invalidating you.

Seek Support:

Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist for support and validation outside of your relationship. Your spouse should never be the sole source of validation in the first place and you deserve to have a great support system in place!

Practice Emotional Regulation:

Develop healthy coping mechanisms to manage your emotions when faced with invalidation. There are a lot of calming and soothing techniques, as well as coping strategies that you could explore (or maybe you already use), like breathing exercises, meditation, yoga, walking, listening to music, calling a relative/friend or working out. Just do whatever makes you feel better usually.

Use “I” Statements/set boundaries with your partner: Express your feelings using “I” statements to communicate your emotions without sounding accusatory. The typical structure is “When you do/say this, I feel ________”. You can make it even less accusatory by saying “I know it is not your intention to hurt me, but when you say/do this, it’s actually really painful for me”. This way, you are not blaming but simply sharing how someone else’s actions are making you feel. This approach might actually encourage an open/vulnerable communication with your partner, as it tells them how their invalidating behavior affects you and the relationship.

Conclusion

Addressing emotional invalidation is crucial in helping individuals and couples build healthier and more fulfilling relationships. By fostering empathy, improving communication, and promoting emotional validation, you can guide your clients toward a more compassionate and supportive partnership. Additionally, for individuals dealing with an emotionally invalidating partner, setting boundaries and seeking support can lead to personal growth and better relationship dynamics. Remember that addressing emotional invalidation is a gradual process, and patience and persistence are key to making positive changes in any relationship.

I’m here to help! Contact me to get started or learn more about how couples therapy can help.